Can you arrest an idea ?

'Certainly so' is gradually on the verge of extinction from dictionary, at least mine. Nothing is certain in a helplessly certain way. See I am not certain what I am writing and what does it suppose to mean or what am I going to babble in the next line. In all such types of posts interests dwindles down exponentially and you drag yourself from paragraphs to lines to words. I almost termed it 'lack of creativity' in my mind and then I just thought it 'right' to blame a more distant thing like 'lack of inspiration' because 'lack of creativity' directly refers to 'lack of talent' which hits so hard somewhere. These type of ideas flash in your mind corrupt you and are gone in no time. But I must say that I am not sure whether they come like this or am I rationalizing my bad self and blaming it all on some damn idea.

From now on the struggle starts to go to a new paragraph and say something fakely interesting that may cover it up. BTW rationalizing is one of the top ten things I hate and quite fortunately I myself missed the list. Not that I am happy about it but just relieved to know that 'that' level is yet to come. See here I again goto rationalizing and repeatedly loose some left-over credibility in my own eyes. And this top ten list has a surprise entry,that is coherency, its probably not the coherency that I hate but the fact that it is so over-rated bugs me and all the more people confuse it to consistency. When we are ever changing, how can we see the coherency and comment on its basis. People find themselves almost static figure and judge everybody else. Guess what tops the list. Its judging, its more because of the fact that I hate being judged by anyone including myself. I find interviews and appraisals brutal gang rapes. Judging becomes all the more problematic when people rationalize it to analyzing. This top ten list is very dynamic probably to a level of my nature and behavior and I am not really sure to put some of the things in there or reject them on benefit of doubt.

See this has come to a point that every sentence need to be squeezed out of you and the truth of voice is long lost and you try to steer yourself with one good sentence that can give you enough thoughts to go to at least next line. Actually to be true there are almost innumerous thoughts right now. of all those, I try to search for the ones that can fit here and can give some more thoughts in returns. This soul searching and writing based on that becomes too manipulated to be any near to you. Since thoughts are essentially random and you 'want' to write something less random than that, you end up messing up the innocence of young thoughts, you polish them till they shine to cover up the fakeness of your effort.

Now its time to wind it up, once you realize this, you try to end it up, cut it short and again 'find' something that can summarize the 'idea', but here again you screw up because there is no idea, there are ideas. Now you think OK, lets give some vague, sometimes anti-climactic ending, and surprise the readers. There is certainly some big difference between generation and creation. The problem here is you think more about how to write and what to write and don't respect the brilliant sparks of ideas that hits your neurons. You wait till the ideas take a form and it usually ends up deforming them. Mind is too hard to capture !