Against all.

There are times you find yourself against all, all of them and you have every valid reason to be so. Such times are even more painful than those having of emptiness of nothingness. There are times you fail to relate to people uniformly, its not that you fear them or they fear you but the basic laws of gravity defy itself and you fail to attract or get attracted. This of tremendous consequence because coldness begets itself in a big way. You tend to do things that are not unique but those that have the maximum inertia. The will or desire to do stuff keeps you going but then you realize that 'that' doesn’t work for you, your power of thinking is in all time high, but you think of nothing more than nothing. The conscious self struggles hard to get out of it generating a nauseating discomfort. Even best of things show horror of being shallow and act of following them looks an act of phenomenal stupidity. You want to write to express but like always ideas flutter making sounds of banality. You think that you have done it all and seen it all, why again the same thing, I want some new discomfort to experience. All newness seems to deconstruct in same atomic pain. Things go hazily microscopic and stay that way. You see life and people from the bleakest of perspective and get the expected in return. The world is waiting for you to do a comic act and you fail to make them laugh. Go off the stage!

Can you arrest an idea ?

'Certainly so' is gradually on the verge of extinction from dictionary, at least mine. Nothing is certain in a helplessly certain way. See I am not certain what I am writing and what does it suppose to mean or what am I going to babble in the next line. In all such types of posts interests dwindles down exponentially and you drag yourself from paragraphs to lines to words. I almost termed it 'lack of creativity' in my mind and then I just thought it 'right' to blame a more distant thing like 'lack of inspiration' because 'lack of creativity' directly refers to 'lack of talent' which hits so hard somewhere. These type of ideas flash in your mind corrupt you and are gone in no time. But I must say that I am not sure whether they come like this or am I rationalizing my bad self and blaming it all on some damn idea.

From now on the struggle starts to go to a new paragraph and say something fakely interesting that may cover it up. BTW rationalizing is one of the top ten things I hate and quite fortunately I myself missed the list. Not that I am happy about it but just relieved to know that 'that' level is yet to come. See here I again goto rationalizing and repeatedly loose some left-over credibility in my own eyes. And this top ten list has a surprise entry,that is coherency, its probably not the coherency that I hate but the fact that it is so over-rated bugs me and all the more people confuse it to consistency. When we are ever changing, how can we see the coherency and comment on its basis. People find themselves almost static figure and judge everybody else. Guess what tops the list. Its judging, its more because of the fact that I hate being judged by anyone including myself. I find interviews and appraisals brutal gang rapes. Judging becomes all the more problematic when people rationalize it to analyzing. This top ten list is very dynamic probably to a level of my nature and behavior and I am not really sure to put some of the things in there or reject them on benefit of doubt.

See this has come to a point that every sentence need to be squeezed out of you and the truth of voice is long lost and you try to steer yourself with one good sentence that can give you enough thoughts to go to at least next line. Actually to be true there are almost innumerous thoughts right now. of all those, I try to search for the ones that can fit here and can give some more thoughts in returns. This soul searching and writing based on that becomes too manipulated to be any near to you. Since thoughts are essentially random and you 'want' to write something less random than that, you end up messing up the innocence of young thoughts, you polish them till they shine to cover up the fakeness of your effort.

Now its time to wind it up, once you realize this, you try to end it up, cut it short and again 'find' something that can summarize the 'idea', but here again you screw up because there is no idea, there are ideas. Now you think OK, lets give some vague, sometimes anti-climactic ending, and surprise the readers. There is certainly some big difference between generation and creation. The problem here is you think more about how to write and what to write and don't respect the brilliant sparks of ideas that hits your neurons. You wait till the ideas take a form and it usually ends up deforming them. Mind is too hard to capture !

What I have seen ?

Its a long time since I have written about movies, the last one was Cries and Whispers almost 2 weeks back. Though I have seen lot of movies after Cries and Whispers but I wasn't able to gather some time to write about them. Some of them are:

Hour of the Wolf
The Passion of Anna
Contempt
Pulp Fiction
Fight Club
Annie Hall
Life of Brian
Y Tu Mama Tambien
Aviator
Finding Neverland

The first two movies are by Bergman and both have what I like about Bergman, giving importance to characters and the their minds and hearts over plot or external documentary. Hour of the Wolf is a horror movie by Bergman and The Passion of Anna is again about relationships and the permanency and transience of human nature. Contempt was my first encounter with Jean-Luc Godard and it was an exercise to get what French New Wave was. The movie starred Brigitte Bardot, 60s sex siren. I was not able to fully appreciate and understand the movie and new wave until I watched the commentary and some discussion between Godard and Fritz Lang ( Director of German Classic 'M', he also starred in Contempt) in Special features. Other movie DVD where I really enjoyed the special feature was L'aaventura and it had some great essays on acting, movie making by Michelangelo Antonioni. Pulp Fiction was a re-watch and a real treat to senses. Fight Club was a real discovery, I fully enjoyed this movie. Annie Hall is classic Woody Allen, much on the lines of Manhattan. Life of Brian is again an excellent satire and subtle comedy. Y Tu Mama Tambien is like semi-intellectual Mexican Pie. I didn't like Aviator that much, I don't know what was the fault but it was hard to sit through the second half. Length of movie has never been a problem with me but when you see the an enervating attempt to show a thing and failure of the effort, you feel miserable. Anyway I am not fan of biopics or DiCaprio, but Kate as Kate was really brilliant. Surprisingly I liked Finding Neverland. With time I am not able to digest any mush in movies but I enjoyed Neverland probably because is of a child in me, he came out of coma for sometime.

There were some movies that I saw before Cries and Whispers that I didn't mention in the blog.

Red
Fallen Angels
About Schmidt
Office Space
Manhattan
Sade
Lock Stock and two smoking barrels
Lost in Translation
Fargo
The Dead Zone

Red is one of the best movies I have seen in recent times, provocative and life affirming, After this I am planning to see more of Krzysztof Kieslowski. Fallen Angels is much like Chungking Expess, but not that impressive, although the cinematography is very innovative. I loved About Schmidt mainly because of the brilliant portrayal of Schimdt by Jack Nicholson. Office Space's first half is good but second half doesn't live up to the expectations. Manhattan is a great work by Woody Allen. Sade is potently disturbing but not fully convincing. Lock Stock is good but Guy Ritchie did much better job in Snatch. Lost in Translation is just beautiful. I liked Fargo but not to a level that some of my friends rate it. The Dead Zone is first movie by David Cronenberg and it was good mainly because of brilliant Christopher Walken, I think he is brilliant in what ever he does, remember his cameos in Pulp fiction and Annie Hall.

This is pretty much the movie experience I am having these days. I am planning to write about some of them in detail. One movie I really want to write about is Red.